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Losing a loved one is a deeply painful, stressful, and overwhelming experience. It often feels like the grief will never cease, and the difficult emotions can ebb and flow over time. That said, eventually you will reach a ‘new normal’ that will be easier to manage, and you will likely start to think about how you can best remember your loved one and honour their memory. Remembering your loved one is a deeply personal experience. Everyone has their own way of honouring and evoking someone who has passed, and what works for one family or individual may not feel right for another. We have listed some meaningful ways of remembering a loved one. You can alter and amend them to create memorial traditions that work best for you. Support A Charity Or Cause Close To Their Hearts Everyone has specific causes and charities that truly speak to their hearts. One of the most meaningful ways that you can remember a loved one is to make a donation of cash or in-kind goods to a charity that they supported (or wanted to support) during their life. If your loved one passed away from an illness or a disease, you could also consider choosing a medical charity that helps raise funds for research and treatments. Purchase Memorial Jewellery Memorial jewellery comes in many different styles and options. For some, an engraved bracelet or a locket containing your loved one’s photo will be the ideal way of remembering them on a daily basis. Others prefer to purchase memorial ashes jewellery made out of a small amount of their loved one’s cremains. When you glance down at your jewellery, you’ll be flooded with memories of your friend, spouse, or relative. Commemorate Them With A Memorial Bench Memorial benches have long been a popular way to commemorate and honour a loved one’s life after they pass.[1] By placing the memorial bench in a in a scenic, peaceful, beautiful, or meaningful location, you can sit and remember the wonderful times you had with the departed. You can contact a memorial bench company who organise the bench for you, but you save a lot of money by speaking with the local council to get permission to place an engraved bench in your desired location. Keep Some of Their Treasured Items When a loved one close to you passes away, the responsibility of dealing with their home and estate may fall to you. While you will likely need to donate, sell, and throw away many of their household possessions, be sure to select some of their most treasured items to keep as meaningful keepsakes for years to come. Plant A Memorial Tree Memorial trees have long been a meaningful and significant way to honour a loved one or an event, and the practice occurs around the world.[2] A tree will blossom and bloom each year, reminding you of the celebration of life on a cyclical basis. You might choose to plant a tree in your garden, but if you want to do so in a park or public garden, ensure that you seek permission from the local council in advance. The planting ceremony can be laden with symbolism and meaning, and you can invite other loved ones to attend. Share Their Photos and Stories In An Online Remembrance Book Like a hard copy remembrance book at a funeral or memorial, you can leave memories and thoughts on an online remembrance book. Share the link with well-wishers who can’t make it to the memorial or funeral service. If you wish to take the online remembrance book one step further, you could also create dedicated online memorial website for your loved one. With a little tech savvy, you can form an online repository for photos, anecdotes, songs, and videos.[3] This is an especially good idea if you want to share memories with family members and friends across the country, and around the world. Don’t be afraid to bring them up and share their stories You might be tempted to avoid bringing up your deceased loved one, but experts say that this can actually prolong the most painful parts of the grieving process.[4] Don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one. This can include sharing your most treasured memories in a formal setting, or simply mentioning them in passing when you are reminded of them. Not only can this be healing for you, it can also help your friends and family members through their own grieving and healing process. Create A Shrine To Their Memory The word shrine is certainly a loaded one, but this term actually refers to an ancient and contemporary Greek custom of marking the passing of a loved one. The commemoration doesn’t end after the funeral; memorial services are held again on the 40th day after death, and then on an annual basis.[5] In addition, Greeks create small roadside shrines adorned with photos, candles, flowers, and religious icons.[6] You can do the same in your home or garden. Include items and icons that were meaningful to them during their lifetime. Select an Annual Day Of Celebration Speaking of the Greek Orthodox traditions above, many other cultures and religions around the world also take time out of the life at least once per year to remember their loved ones. In many Latin American countries, they do this one day per year, known as ‘Day of the Dead’ (Día de Muertos). On November 2nd each year, which is a national holiday in Mexico, people gather with friends and family in order to collectively remember their lost dead, making offerings to their loved ones, pray, and celebrate. Rather than celebrating all of your deceased loved ones on one day per year, you can make the celebration more personal by choosing to honour an individual each year on a date meaningful to them. You could do this on the anniversary of their death, or choose to focus your celebrations on their birthday. Play their favourite songs, eat some of their most-loved foods, and take the time to tell stories and reminisce about their life. Create A Memorial Quilt Memory quilts are an American tradition that is growing in popularity in the UK.[7] Create (or hire someone to create) a quilt using clothing, bedding, and other textiles that belonged to your loved one. Consider having some meaningful photos printed onto cotton and include them throughout the design. This can be a truly tactile and comforting way to remember your loved one that can be passed down for generations. Display your loved one’s photos in your home A time-honoured way to remember your loved one is to display their photo in a prominent place in your home. While some people are tempted to remove visible reminders of their loved ones from view to reduce the pain of loss, it can actually be more healing to have them in view.[8] Place a few photos in your home or on your desk where you can see them and smile. The grieving process is different for everyone Remember – there is no ‘one right way’ to grieve. Some of these suggestions and ideas will be suitable for you, and others might not feel quite right. Be creative, and do what you need to do to remember your loved one in the best way for you. Suggested Read:- How To Honor Your Loved Ones Who Have Passed Away Create an online memorial Reference list Cloke, P. and Pawson, E. (2008). Memorial Trees and Treescape Memories. Environment and Planning D: Society and Space, 26(1). Greek Boston (2015). What is the Greek Orthodox Memorial Service? [online] www.greekboston.com. Available at: https://www.greekboston.com/religion/memorial-service/ [Accessed 20 Feb. 2020]. Miller, J.T. (2014). How To Make an Online Memorial for a Departed Loved One. [online] HuffPost. Available at: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-make-and-online-me_b_5459622 [Accessed 21 Feb. 2020]. Patowary, K. (n.d.). The Roadside Shrines of Greece. [online] Amusing Planet. Available at: https://www.amusingplanet.com/2019/03/the-roadside-shrines-of-greece.html [Accessed 20 Feb. 2020]. Saner, E. (2018). Memorial benches – inspirational reminders, or grave eyesores? The Guardian. [online] 14 Mar. Available at: https://www.theguardian.com/news/shortcuts/2018/mar/14/memorial-benches-inspirational-reminders-or-grave-eyesores [Accessed 20 Feb. 2020]. Taibbi, R. (n.d.). Six Signs of Incomplete Grief. [online] Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/fixing-families/201706/six-signs-incomplete-grief [Accessed 21 Feb. 2020]. What’s Your Grief (2014a). Creating a Memorial Quilt: the inspiring work of Lori Mason. [online] What’s Your Grief. Available at: https://whatsyourgrief.com/creating-memorial-quilt-lori-mason/ [Accessed 20 Feb. 2020]. What’s Your Grief (2014b). Photos of Deceased Loved Ones: The Great Debate. [online] What’s Your Grief. Available at: https://whatsyourgrief.com/photos-of-deceased/ [Accessed 21 Feb. 2020]. ‌ [1] https://www.theguardian.com/news/shortcuts/2018/mar/14/memorial-benches-inspirational-reminders-or-grave-eyesores [2] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1068/d79j?journalCode=epda [3] https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-make-and-online-me_b_5459622 [4] https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/fixing-families/201706/six-signs-incomplete-grief [5] https://www.greekboston.com/religion/memorial-service/ [6] https://www.amusingplanet.com/2019/03/the-roadside-shrines-of-greece.html [7] https://whatsyourgrief.com/creating-memorial-quilt-lori-mason/ [8] https://whatsyourgrief.com/photos-of-deceased/

Everyone needs to have a will. While you might think of writing a last will and testament as something only important for the wealthy, or those with children, this is not the case. Even if you only have a few meagre possessions and don’t own a property, leaving a will helps your loved ones to get your affairs in order when you pass. People often don’t know what to do when a loved one passes away, and so leaving a clear will can help them through a dark time. It’s a common misconception that writing a will and testament is overly complicated, or that it requires hiring an expensive notary or solicitor. This is not the case. If your assets and bequests are fairly straightforward, it is reasonably straightforward to create your own will that will stand up in court.[i] This will allow the government and/or your loved ones to execute your wishes with as much ease as possible. There are two common ways to draft your own will: write it in a document on your computer or even by hand, or use an online programme designed to help you through the process. Why do you need a will? There is a wide array of reasons why you need to create a will. You might be reluctant to think about this inevitability; after all, no one likes to think about their own death. However, even if you have only a few possessions and no dependents, it is important that you make a will for some of the following reasons: Without a will, certain strict rules will be followed - The government has strict rules that will dictate how your money, property, and possessions will be allocated in the event that you do not have a will. This means that your belongings and assets could be distributed in ways that you do not wish. In particular, any unmarried partners or stepchildren will be left out of your inheritance. Your children and grandchildren could be left out - If you have children with different partners, or you have stepchildren, they could be completely left out. Similarly, if you wish for a different relative or friend (such as nieces and nephews, or godchildren) to receive your belongings, this needs to be enshrined in a will. Your new partner could be left out - Similarly, even if your romantic partnerships have changed, your ex-husband or wife could still automatically inherit your assets. Did you know that, despite common usage, there is actually no such status as ‘common law’ in the UK?[ii] Your new partner could be left out, even if you are in a ‘common-law’ relationship with them. Without a will, your benefactors might pay higher taxes - Certain inheritance taxes can be mitigated or reduced if you take advice from experts (or online programmes) in advance and if you create a will.[iii] What happens if you pass without a will? If you pass away without leaving a will behind, your property, possessions, and assets will be divvied up according to UK rules. You will be considered an ‘intestate person’ – that is, someone who has died without leaving a will. According to the rules of intestacy, your closest relatives and legal spouse will automatically inherit your estate, regardless of your wishes.[iv] Your assets might be more heavily taxed than if you had left a will. In the case that you do not have a will, your spouse or civil partner will automatically inherit all of your personal belongings, and then the first £250,000 of your assets.[v] It does not matter if you are divorced or have split up and have a new partner – your ex will be treated as your spouse unless your will removes this relationship, or you have remarried. Your children will be entitled to half of all money in addition to £250,000. If you have no spouse or children, your estate will go to your parents, siblings, or nieces/nephews. Step by step guide to writing a will Step 1 – Value your estate In order to write an accurate and useful will, you need to take accurate stock of your possessions and get an idea of what it is worth. Do this by creating a list of your assets and your debts. Your assets could include: Your home and properties Your savings and bonds Life insurance policies Pension funds that pay out a lump sum on death Investments, including stocks and shares Vehicles Household contents Jewellery, art, antiques, and other heirlooms Things of sentimental value Your debts could include: Your mortgage Credit card debt Loans Step 2 - Determine how you would like to divide your estate At this point, it is extremely important that you think carefully about who you want to leave your assets and possessions to when you die. Be very, very clear, and leave no room for nuance or confusion. Use clear, simple language. Some things to consider include: Who do you want to benefit the most? Do you want to leave sentimental items to specific people? Do you wish to leave a gift for a charity or organisation? How much you want to spend on your funeral arrangements? Do you want to set up trusts for children to access when they reach 18? Step 3 – Choose your executor Your executor will be the person responsible for overseeing the distribution of your estate. Some people choose their spouse or one of their children, while others prefer to appoint someone a step removed from their family. You must tell your executor of your intentions to appoint them. Step 4 – Writing your will The following are common options for people writing their wills: Lawyers: Speaking to a solicitor or chartered legal executive is a good idea when making a will. They can provide advice, or write the will on your behalf. Ensure that they are licensed, and have experience writing wills. Professional will writers: Professional will-writers (such as those who belong to the Institute of Professional Willwriters) can be a great help. Charities: If you are struggling to pay for the costs of a lawyer or professional, consult with local charities to see if they provide these services. Will Aid and Free Wills Month are both good resources. Banks: Your bank might offer will-writing services and estate planning as one of their services. Ensure that their fees are competitive before you go this route. Writing your own will: In order to write your own will, you need to ensure that you follow the advice in this article. You might want to seek professional advice before diving into the task. Step 5 - Sign your will with 2 witnesses present Sign your will in the presence of 2 independent witnesses. They should not be benefactors named in your will. Step 6 - Keep your will in a safe place, and advise your executors If no one can find your will upon your death, it won’t do much good! You can store it with your solicitor (if you use one), in a bank safety deposit box, stored safely in your home, or you can leave it with the Probate Service.[vi] Let your executors know where you have stored it. How do you ensure your will is valid? In order to ensure that your will is valid and will be honoured when you pass away, you must ensure that you do the following: Your will needs to be in writing (not a verbal recording or in video form) It must start with the statement that it revokes all previous versions.[vii] If you have ever made a will in the past, you should destroy it/them You must sign your will in the presence of 2 witnesses.[viii] They should not be beneficiaries named in your will You must have the mental capacity to understand the effects of your actions It must be voluntary, and you must not have been coerced or pressured by anyone else to write it How do you make changes to your will? At different times in your life, you might need to make changes to your will. Children are born, relationships end, and life circumstances change. As a result, you should review your will regularly, at least every 5 years. If you need to make a small adjustment to your will, it’s fairly straightforward to add a codicil (a minor amendment).[ix] You will need two witnesses, but they do not need to be the same as the witnesses who signed the original will. Do not attach amendments or changes with staples or paperclips, as these can go missing. Similarly, do not use any paperclips or staples on your will at all. If they detach and leave any marks, it can raise questions about potential missing information. If you need to make major changes, you should rewrite your will following all of the steps listed above, including signing it in the presence of two witnesses. Remember – divorce does not invalidate your previous will (but marrying, remarrying, or entering a new civil partnership does). Always create a new will whenever your serious relationship ends, or when you remarry. Creating a will is easier than you might think Don’t put this task off – creating a will now will save your loved ones a lot of headaches (and potentially money) when you pass away. Ensure they are taken care of, and improve your own peace of mind. Reference list Antoniou, J. (2018). Is a Homemade Handwritten Will Legal in England & Wales? | Co-op Legal. [online] Co-oplegalservices.co.uk. Available at: https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2018/is-a-homemade-handwritten-will-legal/ [Accessed 21 Jan. 2020]. Citizensadvice.org.uk. (2019). Living together and marriage: legal differences. [online] Available at: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/. Fahy, D. (2019). The 10 best ways to avoid inheritance tax - Money To The Masses. [online] Moneytothemasses.com. Available at: https://moneytothemasses.com/tax/inheritance-tax/the-10-best-ways-to-avoid-inheritance-tax [Accessed 21 Jan. 2020]. Government Digital Service (2011). Making a will. [online] GOV.UK. Available at: https://www.gov.uk/make-will/updating-your-will [Accessed 21 Jan. 2020]. GOV.UK. (2016). Intestacy - who inherits if someone dies without a will? [online] Available at: https://www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will [Accessed 21 Jan. 2020]. HM Courts & Tribunals Service (2011). How to deposit a will with the Probate Service: a guide for people who want to deposit a will for safekeeping (PA7). [online] GOV.UK. Available at: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/how-to-deposit-a-will-with-the-probate-service-a-guide-for-people-who-want-to-deposit-a-will-for-safekeeping-pa7 [Accessed 21 Jan. 2020]. Legalwills.co.uk. (2020). U.K. Legal Wills. [online] Available at: https://www.legalwills.co.uk/signingawill [Accessed 21 Jan. 2020]. Moneyadviceservice.org.uk. (2020). Sorting out the estate when there isn’t a will. [online] Available at: https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/sorting-out-the-estate-when-there-isnt-a-will [Accessed 21 Jan. 2020]. Randolph, M. (2015). How to Tell if a Will Was Revoked or Replaced. [online] www.alllaw.com. Available at: https://www.alllaw.com/articles/nolo/wills-trusts/how-tell-if-will-was-revoked-replaced.html [Accessed 21 Jan. 2020]. ‌Resources [i] https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2018/is-a-homemade-handwritten-will-legal/ [ii] https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/ [iii] https://moneytothemasses.com/tax/inheritance-tax/the-10-best-ways-to-avoid-inheritance-tax [iv] https://www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will [v] https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/sorting-out-the-estate-when-there-isnt-a-will [vi] https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/how-to-deposit-a-will-with-the-probate-service-a-guide-for-people-who-want-to-deposit-a-will-for-safekeeping-pa7 [vii] https://www.alllaw.com/articles/nolo/wills-trusts/how-tell-if-will-was-revoked-replaced.html [viii] https://www.legalwills.co.uk/signingawill [ix] https://www.gov.uk/make-will/updating-your-will

If your loved one has just passed away, you have many decisions to make and tasks to attend to as you plan their funeral. In the confusing and dark days after the death, it can be hard to know what to do when a loved one passes. Some people find that keeping busy and planning the funeral helps them immensely in the initial period of mourning. Creating the order of service for their funeral can be an immensely healing and comforting process. An order of service is a booklet that is offered to guests as they arrive at the funeral, or mailed to those who cannot attend. It provides mourners with the information they need about the service ahead. That said, the order of service is so much more than simply a schedule of the day (although that is an important component for many people). It can also include special memories, photos, quotes from the deceased, a brief biography, and song lyrics, scripture, or poetry that they loved. Many people choose to keep the order of service as a memento; a token of the relationship they had with the deceased. While traditional orders of service can be quite spartan, you are free to be as creative as you wish. You can customise your loved one’s order of service to reflect their unique personality and passion in life. Conversely, you can leave things rather minimal and let their memory speak for themselves. Here is our guide of what to include in a funeral order of service. We hope that it can be of some comfort during this difficult time. The Front Cover Most people choose to keep their funeral order of service front cover quite understated and simple. However, it is completely customisable, and some people do decide to go even more elaborate, or ‘over the top,’ depending on the personality of the deceased. The most common inclusions for an order of service front cover are: The full name of the deceased Their date of birth and their date of death A short quote, message, or piece of scripture that commemorates them The location, time, and date of the funeral Any nicknames that they used As you begin looking through all of the photos of your loved one, choose one that speaks to your heart. Which photo best represents their personality? Some people prefer to select a more contemplative or serious photo, while others think that a humourous or whimsical photo is even more suitable. While you might be tempted to choose a photo of the deceased surrounded by their friends or family, it’s always a better idea to go with a solo photo. The Schedule Of Service Every funeral is different, as each person and their family members have different requirements, wishes, and customs. The schedule of service prepares guests for what to expect. As with any event, people like to be kept abreast of what will happen, and when. Whether you are planning a short non-denominational funeral or a longer religious ceremony, the schedule of service will keep everyone on the same page about every aspect of the rites. A typical schedule of service includes a welcome from the celebrant or religious leader, a series of readings from friends and family, and a listing of the songs or hymns that will be played or sung. The schedule will also include any additional events that are planned, including any graveside ceremonies, wakes, or gatherings that will be held afterwards. A schedule of service typically looks something like this: The title and artist of the song used for the musical procession as guests enter the facility and take their seats The name of the person or celebrant who will do the introduction The lyrics to the songs or funeral hymns that will be played at the service Information about the readings, verses, speeches read by the speakers The prayers that will be read The title and artist of the closing song Information about the location of any graveside ceremony Information about a wake or gathering that will occur after the funeral Special Memories and Moments After you have written the schedule of the service, you can start choosing any additional photos, memories, poetry, and quotes to the booklet.  While some people choose to go with a simple 4-page option (one piece of paper folded in half), others add multiple sheets of paper. Do keep in mind that if you elect to add more pages to your booklet, the price of printing will increase. A lovely idea is to include a timeline of your loved one’s life. This can include any and all landmark moments in their life, such as their graduation, wedding, major promotions, the birth of their children and grandchildren, and other important dates. If they loved a specific sports team, had a lifelong hobby or loved to travel, you can also include information, logos, or illustrations to represent these passions. Similarly, if they themselves were an artist, writer, or photographer, consider adding some of their work for an additional personal touch. This can make the order of service an even more meaningful keepsake for friends and family. Back Cover Once you reach the back cover of the order of service, you will have already included all of the most important information. This is an ideal place to display another photograph of your loved one. Some people choose to use a contemporary photo of the deceased on the cover of the order of service, and a photo of them in their younger years on the back. Of course, you can reverse this. You could also include a family photo on the back of the booklet or a photo of the person and his or her spouse. This is also a good place to list any charities that were important to the deceased or to ask for donations to a charity or cause. It can also be the best place for a heartfelt thanks to anyone who attended, and a message to those who could not make it. Commemorating your loved one in different ways Creating the order of service for your loved one’s funeral is a labour of love, and is a process that many people find comforting during their darkest hours. There are a variety of other commemorative acts that may bring comfort to you as you prepare for the funeral or service. Write a meaningful eulogy that details the important events in your loved one’s life. If you do not feel comfortable reading this aloud, a close friend or the celebrant can do this for you. Write a poem or song that reflects your relationship with the deceased, and expresses how you feel. After their cremation, have a piece of ashes memorial jewellery made with some of their cremains. Create a slide show filled with photos and short video clips from their life, including all of the important moments. Accompany this with a song that they loved, and that will remind others of them. Design a poster or collage featuring photos of the deceased, for display during the wake or gathering. Customise the funeral visitor’s book with photos, quotes, and other meaningful details. The days and months after a loved one passes are never easy. Creating the order of service for their funeral can be a great comfort.

Grieving is painful and difficult no matter what the time of year. However, as the holidays approach, it can become even more difficult. The first Christmas after a loved one dies is always hard.[1] There is something about the nostalgia and traditions of Christmas that can trigger the most severe feelings of grief, sometimes even years after the death. The grief isn’t always easy to deal with, so you might find that you want to do things differently, or even to ‘cancel’ your celebration. Surround yourself with understanding friends and family, or if you prefer, spend the day alone. Remember – there is no one ‘right way’ to grieve. Here are some of our thoughts and ideas about how to deal with grief at Christmas.[2] Do not feel guilty if you have moments of joy or laughter Sometimes the hardest parts about grieving are the unexpected jolts of guilt as you find yourself enjoying a moment or having a genuine laugh. Emotions are complex and layered, and sometimes people find that comedy can ease their pain. Watching a child open a gift, biting into a mince pie, or watching It’s a Wonderful Life can all trigger happiness, and that is normal and ok. It doesn’t mean that you miss your loved one any less. Don’t allow the sneaky tendrils of guilt to make you feel ashamed about any moments of Christmas joy that you may have. On the other hand, don’t feel guilty if this year, you simply have no holiday spirit at all. Implement new traditions As the first Christmas season after your loved one has passed approaches, you might want to think about implementing new traditions. Making a special effort to remember the person can be soothing at this time of year, and can be a meaningful moment in your celebration. Some people choose to set aside a few minutes for each person to speak about the person who has passed. Others light a candle and set it at the table, in the centre, or at a set place.  As a family, you may want to visit their grave, or a place that was special to them. If you have children, remember to involve them. Consider having Memorial Christmas Decorations made to include the person who has passed in your annual celebrations. These decorations include some of the ashes of your loved ones, giving them special significance and meaning. Handling Christmas with children after someone has passed Handling Christmas with children after someone they love has passed can be a tricky and complex experience. Children grieve in very different ways than adults,[3] and they might seem to be enjoying the season as normal, even when they are in pain inside. The most important thing that you can do is open the lines of communication, and let them know that they can share anything they are feeling with you. Let them know that they do not have to celebrate if they do not want to, and ask them if there are any new traditions they would like to start in order to remember the person who has passed. You do not have to celebrate Christmas Some grieving people find that the idea of celebrating Christmas feels distasteful or too painful. However, others wish to have as normal a Christmas as possible, complete all of the foods and traditions that they enjoyed with their loved one. Still others plan a simple celebration, a ‘pared down’ version of their usual fete. It is important to note that all of these options (or something completely different) are valid. If you choose not to celebrate Christmas this year, that might be the best choice for your own mental health and grieving process. Some people find that travelling during the season can help, as they are not surrounded by memories in their home. Remember that everyone in a family mourns differently We all have different ways of grieving, and so it makes sense that we handle Christmas in different ways. As the first Christmas after a death comes closer, conflict can arise within families, as different people will have different expectations about what should occur. As mentioned above, some people will want to ‘skip’ Christmas completely, as they cannot imagine celebrating at this sad time. However, others will wish to have a joyful celebration, complete with all of the traditions that make a family’s Christmas special. This can cause a rift in the family, as everyone has different expectations. Remember that they are also feeling pain, and try to be sensitive to their needs, while asking them to be sensitive for yours. Try to speak openly about your feelings. It is ok to protect your own wellbeing above all else. You might choose not to attend a family gathering this year, and that is perfectly acceptable. Let them know that you need this time to grieve privately, and you will likely join them next year. Consider scheduling a family get-together on Boxing Day or New Year’s Eve instead, or plan a ‘commemoration’ rather than a celebration. Remember to take care of yourself Self-care is one of the most commonly cited concepts around grief, but it can be easier said than done around Christmas time. The holiday season means that your schedule is most likely disrupted, and taking care of your physical and emotional needs can fall by the wayside. Christmas can mean drinking more alcohol than usual, but using alcohol to escape your loss only provides relief in the very short term. In reality, it can make your mental and physical health much worse. The same can be said for decadent treats. Remember that it is ok to indulge, but ‘drowning your sorrows’ in food or alcohol can have negative consequences. Many grieving people find that they are exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Take some long baths, enjoy a warming hot spiced apple juice, and take as many guilt-free afternoon naps as you wish. If you have young children to look after, see if some of your friends and family can pitch in to help. Most importantly – be kind to yourself. Don’t ruminate on all of the things you’re not doing this year. It’s ok that the house is a bit untidy, and it will be fine if the meal is more simple than usual. Grief at Christmas doesn’t only affect the recently bereaved Grief is not just something that the recently bereaved experience. Christmas and other holidays and anniversaries can trigger memories of long ago, reminding you of a loved one who passed in the past. It’s quite ironic that the ‘happiest time of year’ can reopen old wounds and plunge you back into the depths of grief. It can be hard to see the smiling faces of children and happy families when you are feeling the pain and ache of loss. Remember – there is nothing unusual about feeling sadness and pain over the death of a loved one, even if they passed away decades ago. You are not alone. Some people find comfort in ritual and religion, and attend their local church for prayer. Your church or the local council might host grief support groups specifically around Christmas, as many other people are grieving at this time of year. Speaking with others in a similar situation can help to alleviate your pain. How to say Merry Christmas to someone who is grieving It can be hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving, no matter what the time of year. It is especially difficult at Christmas time. If your are speaking to someone who has had a very recent loss, it can see insensitive to wish them ‘happy holidays’ or a ‘Merry Christmas.’ Instead, try some of the following statements. “I am thinking of you this Christmas. How are you doing?’ “I’m keeping you in my thoughts on this second holiday season after your loved one (say their name) passed.” “Would you be interested in joining us for Christmas? We understand if you would prefer to be alone.” “May I come visit you during the holiday season?” “What can I do to support you during this Christmas period?” Remember – it is always better to say something than to say nothing. Even if your sentiment comes out a bit awkward, it is always better than trying to avoid the topic. It’s ok to need support – please reach out Most importantly, remember to reach out if you are suffering. Speak with friends and family, and lean on your support system. If you are feeling very down, or experiencing thoughts of self-harm, please get in touch with Samaritans on freephone 116 123.  They're there for you 24 hours per day, and are there to listen and help.[4] [1] https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/blog/christmas-tips/220455 [2] https://www.ashesmemorialjewellery.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-grief/ [3] https://www.griefshare.org/holidays/helpcenter/helpinggrievingchildren [4] https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.XeUBE5NKjBJ Reference list Ashes Memorial Jewellery. (2019). How To Deal With Grief | Ashes Memorial Jewellery. [online] Available at: https://www.ashesmemorialjewellery.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-grief/ [Accessed 2 Dec. 2019]. Griefshare.org. (2019). Helping Grieving Children Through the Holidays - GriefShare. [online] Available at: https://www.griefshare.org/holidays/helpcenter/helpinggrievingchildren [Accessed 2 Dec. 2019]. Marie Curie. (2018). Christmas after the death of a loved one. [online] Available at: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/blog/christmas-tips/220455 [Accessed 2 Dec. 2019]. Mind.org.uk. (2019). Suicidal feelings | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems. [online] Available at: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.XeUBE5NKjBJ [Accessed 2 Dec. 2019].

One of the most daunting parts of dealing with the loss of a loved one is the visit to the funeral home. First, there are the arrangements to be made, and then there is the potential for viewing your loved one. Much like the beauty and solace that is found when purchasing memorial jewellery, time with the funeral director and at the Chapel of Rest could help to move you through the process of grief. Although your time at the funeral home can feel unbearably painful, the decisions you make and the discussions you have can help begin the healing process. Here we want to debunk some of the worries and concerns you may have about the funeral home. We hope this guide will provide some comfort and help overcome any potential fears you may have. What Is A Funeral Home? A funeral home is the name of the building where people are taken when they pass. A funeral director runs the establishment. It is this funeral director that will help you in your preparations for the burial or cremation of your loved one. What Happens To A Body In A Funeral Home? The funeral director will be asked to retrieve the person who passed once the death has been certified. This means that the funeral director will go to the family home, or the hospital, and remove the patient. They will then bring them back to the funeral home. What happens with your loved one from this point forward depends on the length of time between death and discovery. Sometimes, it can be many days or even weeks before a patient is found. At this point, the retrieval, and management, of the person is difficult, and the family are unlikely to be involved further with the body of the loved one. However, if the death occurred in the hospital or the family home amongst relatives, the patient will be refrigerated once at the funeral home. If someone is left untreated at room temperature, the remains will deteriorate quickly. Once permission is granted, the person who has passed will be embalmed. The embalming process then involves the removal of bodily fluids and the replacement with embalming fluids. However, much depends on the beliefs of the person. If the person who has passed is of the Muslim faith, it must be an imam who comes in to wash the loved one and then wrap them in an unbleached cloth. If your family member is Hindu or Sikh, then it is family members that must come and do the washing themselves. Once embalmed, your loved one will be dressed and placed in a coffin. Again, cultures vary here. It is traditional for the family to provide the clothing and many offer a favourite outfit of the person who has passed. Some African cultures bury the dead in full robes and headdress. In some Chinese families, they also ask the funeral director to layout spare clothes around the coffin, to aid your loved one in their journey to their next life. The funeral director will ask you for a picture of your loved one. The photograph helps the mortician present your loved one in a way that reflected the person in life. Therefore, they will return the skin tone and style the hair appropriately. It is also possible to apply make-up as your loved one would have worn it in life. Once prepared, your loved one will be transferred to the Chapel of Rest. Here the coffin will be placed in a private viewing room and can stay there for a day or longer if required. If your loved one needed a post-mortem, you should not worry. The post-mortem will not change the appearance of the person who passed, and they can be prepared in the same way as if this had not happened. You will still be able to view the person who has passed. What Is A Chapel Of Rest? A Chapel of Rest is a room or a building where you can view your loved ones if they have passed. It is a room of remembrance. It is a place where you can visit to pay your last respects to those who have passed. The Chapel of Rest is usually attached to the funeral home, where you went to arrange the details of the funeral. Alternatively, the funeral director may have a building used specifically for the viewing of bodies somewhere else. There is no hard and fast rule as to what a Chapel of Rest should look like. The size and décor of the chapel will vary. The person who has passed with be placed in a coffin or casket, known as a catafalque. There may be seats for mourners to stay a period of time with the person who has passed, or there may be a place to light some candles. The privacy of those choosing to view their loved one will be secured. Although Chapels of Rest vary, they all share the same aim to keep this experience discreet. What Happens In A Chapel Of Rest? The Chapel of Rest is where people visit the loved one before she or he is buried. These places exist for those people who feel it is essential to say a final goodbye to a loved one. There is no requirement for you to visit the person who has passed or to see them. The person organising the funeral will be given authority over whether the person can be viewed and by whom. There are no limits to who can see people who have passed, so a person of any age can visit the Chapel of Rest. Your relationship with the person who has passed is irrelevant. The funeral director will advise you if it is suitable to view your loved one. It may be that the viewing would be too distressing, or that the cause of death means they are infectious. It may be that the coffin will need to be sealed for your emotional protection. If it has been a long time between death and viewing, then your loved one may have begun to change. In these cases, the funeral director may encourage you to come much quicker, and they may cover the person who has passed with a veil, so the extent of these changes can be camouflaged. Can You Take Photos In A Chapel Of Rest? If you have permission from the next of kin, you can take photographs in the Chapel of Rest. However, you must ask permission of the person organising the funeral. It is likely that the taking of photographs could cause extreme distress or offence and should not be done if no consent is extended to you. For some people, the taking of photographs can be useful as a tool for explaining the death to younger family members. It may be too challenging for very young children to be close to the remains of those who have passed, but the act of seeing the loved one in a coffin can help them to process the idea of death. Chapel Of Rest Etiquette Although visits to the Chapel of Rest are highly personal events, there are some general rules that people tend to follow. If you fear there may be specific instructions for how you should act, you can speak to the funeral director or the next of kin of the person who has passed. First, what should you wear? To be honest, it is entirely up to you. It will ultimately depend on what you feel comfortable in – and it will depend on your relationship with the person who has passed. This is not the funeral; therefore, you are not expected to wear black, formal wear. You may have rules that are dictated by your culture or your spiritual beliefs. However, ultimately, you should decide what feels appropriate to you. Should you speak in the Chapel of Rest? Many people take the opportunity to talk to the loved one who has passed. Visiting a loved one who has passed is the time when many people take the opportunity to vocalise how they feel and to say goodbye. Be aware of your tone of voice, what you are saying, and how it is being said, in case it is overheard by others who knew the loved one, and your words may hurt them. If you are alone in the room and cannot be heard, then you can speak from your emotions. Just remember that this is a moment that will last long in your memory. You can choose to go into the Chapel of Rest alone. Be aware that this is an emotional and challenging experience. If you need someone to go in with you, the funeral director will likely be happy to accompany you. There is no set time limit, and you can visit more than once – there is no right or wrong decision here. During your visit, you may wish to place items in the coffin. You may have written your loved one a letter, or want them to have a card, a teddy bear or a poem. This item will stay with the person who has passed within the coffin and be with them for the rest of their journey. Summary The loss of a loved one is challenging. Understanding what happens next can, in some ways, relieve some of the fear and worry about what to expect. In this guide to what happens in a funeral home, we hope we have demystified the establishment. You will now, we hope, be able to work closely with your funeral directors. The many, many people who have experienced the loss of a loved one will confirm that this process will be an essential part of the grieving process and one you will be grateful for in retrospect.

Grief is inevitable. At some stage in life, everybody suffers the loss of something they cherish. Typical causes are the loss of a parent, child or sibling, the breakup of a relationship or the passing of a pet. Dealing with grief is a personal journey. There is no set formula or rule book that outlines how you should deal with loss. However, it is important that grief is not ignored as this can lead to psychological and emotional problems later in life. Although there is some debate as to the actual healing process after a loss, it is acknowledged that people overcome grief in stages. It is helpful to identify the different types of grief and understand the typical stages you go through during your recovery. What Are The Seven Stages of Grief? 1. Shock and Disbelief When someone becomes aware of a loss, the initial reaction is typically shock and disbelief. This is your brain’s protective mechanism kicking in to avoid you from being overwhelmed. Feelings of shock and disbelief suspend your pain until you are ready to grieve properly. How you respond to a change in circumstances, and the length of time it takes to pass through each stage, depends on various factors such as age, the closeness of the relationship and your emotional dependency on whatever it is you are missing from your life. 2. Denial Denial is another coping mechanism, a means of self-preservation. It is a subconscious way of suspending belief in order to avoid the feelings of being overwhelmed by pain. This phase takes form in different ways. Some people will deny they are grieving or affected by the loss whilst others will deny their loved one has gone. 3. Guilt A study performed by researchers at Columbia University revealed around 7% of bereaved people suffer from “complicated grief” - a prolonged period of suffering. This often involves ruminating about the circumstances for the loss, a difficulty in comprehending the finality of the situation, and excessive avoidance of anything that serves as a reminder. In some circumstances, it is quite normal for the bereaved to feel a sense of guilt during the grieving process, especially if the death was sudden or unnatural. Researchers at University College London found that shame and feelings of being stigmatised is a common response to unnatural and violent deaths. The report published in The Lancet Psychiatry reads: “…there were many similarities in the mental health problems experienced after bereavement by sudden unnatural causes and by suicide.” Thoughts and feelings may arise that you are to blame, even when you know deep down that you are not. It is common for survivor’s guilt to surface with expressions of what might have been “if only I had/hadn’t…” 4. Anger and Bargaining Stage four is the turning point in how people respond to grief and one of the most important to understand. Feelings of loss, disbelief and guilt can later arise as anger and frustration. It is a sign that you need an emotional release. Some people also negotiate with themselves in an attempt to work out what could have been done differently. This is a necessary process to overcome guilt. During this stage, it is important to find a healthy way to deal with your anger and during the bargaining process, acknowledge there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. 5. Depression, Loneliness, Reflection Once the bereaved acknowledges the certainty of the loss, a period of depression will follow. This is often accompanied by reflection and feelings of loneliness as you realise those times are gone. In most cases, this stage involves an acute sadness, but can also demobilise people to the point where you do not have the energy or willingness to leave the house. During this stage, grieving is not about feeling the pain of loss, but a fear of the change in your life. This is particularly the case for people that have lost a loved one with whom they spent a lot of time. 6. Reconstruction of Working Through The final turn on the road to recovery begins to emerge in the sixth stage. This is the point in which the bereaved realises the situation cannot be changed and you need to move on. This does not mean you will forget about what you have lost. It’s normal to feel lonely from time to time even after many years. The important factor is that whatever grievances a person experiences, the only way to actually overcome loss is to move forward and find a way to enjoy life again. 7. Acceptance The acceptance stage is when a grieving person makes a conscious decision to move on and actively starts restructuring their life. This may involve a cleansing process of clearing out the possession of a loved one or moving them out of sight. It’s also quite natural to seek out old relationships, start a new hobby or join a social club. In Summary After a significant loss, it can be difficult to adjust to your new circumstances. The goal is to reach the acceptance stage, look beyond the present and focus on the future. Whilst some people struggle to overcome grief, understanding the stages we need to go through during the recovery process, can act as an incentive and encourage you to push yourself towards the next stage. Resources: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3384440/ https://www.ucl.ac.uk/psychiatry/ucl-bereavement-study https://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief#1 https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/dealing-with-grief-and-loss/

There are few certainties in life, except life itself, and that one day this will end.  Throughout our life, we will experience many funerals.  Despite this, no one becomes an expert at organising or attending an event that marks the loss of someone close to you. It can be tempting to avoid the funeral.  Nobody wants to experience intense emotions or face loss head-on.  However, there are reasons we go through such rituals. The team, at Ashes Memorial Jewellery have put together a guide to help people know all they need to about the funeral process. Why Do We Have Funerals? There are lots of reasons why we choose to have a funeral.  The ultimate aim is practical, as something must be done with the body.  It would seem insensitive to dispose of this body as if there was little meaning to life. You may argue that the person has gone and has no idea that the funeral has occurred. Most of the meaning in the burial is indeed for the living.  In many respects, we are reassured that we are treated well when we die and not just discarded carelessly.  It is about respect. However, there are more pertinent benefits of the funeral.  It is a means of paying tribute to a person's life.  This, in turn, helps us to acknowledge, if not yet accept, that this life has come to an end.  It is a marker that tells us it is time to start mourning.  Without the funeral, it would be easy to fall foul of magical thinking, to assume it was all a mistake, and the person did not die.  The reality of death is evident in the box and the service that focuses on saying goodbye. Going to the funeral will also bring you together with friends and family who are also mourning the loss.  It is comforting to be with others who feel similar levels of pain and understand the sense of loss.  This congregation of people will allow everyone to be open about feelings and to express these. What Happens At A Funeral? There are lots of traditions and beliefs that mean one funeral may be different from the next.  Your religion will have a significant impact on the timing and the service.  If you are not religious, this too will impact on the way the service will be conducted. The ceremony will take place in a church, a chapel or a crematorium, or other religious building.  When arriving, you will likely be ushered in to take your seat before the family, and the coffin arrive.  Some services require you to enter behind the family.  The front rows of the service are for the family.  If you are not close to the person, then you should sit towards the back. The choice of who leads the service depends on your religion.  It may be a celebrant or humanist, or it could be a minister of your faith.  You will likely be presented with an order of ceremonies when you arrive.  This pamphlet will let you know what is going to happen, who will speak, and the hymns that will be sung.  It will also let you know where you can join the family for drinks and food after the ceremony. There is such a lot of choice of what can happen at this ceremony that it will be individual to the family involved. Be aware; the coffin may be on view throughout or shielded behind a curtain.  In a crematorium, part of the ceremony is to remove the casket from view.  You will not see the process of cremation. At a burial, the mourners will move to the graveside behind the coffin.  There will be more words by the grave, and the casket will be lowered into the ground.  Many burials include the dropping of earth, flowers or other objects onto the grave.  Sometimes, only the immediate family proceed to the graveside. Showing emotions at a funeral is to be expected but is not necessary.  You will react-how-you-react.  You should take some tissues just in case. Do You Have To Have A Funeral? No law demands you must have a funeral.  The law states that you must "dispose of the body of the person who has died by burial, cremation or other means."  You can choose to have the burial outside the formal structures of a church or crematorium. This means your choices are: A traditional funeral, either a crematorium or burial Direct cremation, where the body is disposed of without a service. A funeral director can arrange this, and the ashes can be delivered directly to the family. Natural Burial – here the family organise for the burial to take place in a natural place or woodland burial site. This means that all the details of the funeral are entirely at the discretion of the family. DIY funeral – there is no legal requirement to hire a funeral director. You can arrange all the details yourself, from collecting the body from mortuary, transporting them to the burial and more.  Most professionals in the arena of funerals will want you to have a funeral director, but it is not necessary. How Long After A Death Is A Funeral? Some religions require the burial to happen very quickly after death, out of respect to the person.  However, the average time between death and a funeral is two weeks.  If there is an inquest into the death, the funeral may be delayed because the body may not be released. How Much Does A Funeral Cost? Much depends on your choices when planning the funeral.  However, the average cost for burial is close to £5000 and for cremation is £4000.  There are lots of details that will affect the price of the funeral, including: the location the type of coffin the choice of transport the flowers the catering The most significant proportion of costs will likely be the coffin. You will also need to consider the cost of the funeral director, the doctor's fees, the celebrant or service leader, the burial or cremation fees, the headstone, and the fees for other administration costs.  By hiring a funeral director, you will get help with the collection and care of the deceased, as well as additional professional guidance. Who Pays For A Funeral If There Is No Money? If there is no money in the person’s estate, then family and friends are expected to cover the cost of the funeral.  If this is not an option, then you will need to explore how to fund the funeral. Options include: The funeral director may take payment by instalments There may be charities who would be willing to help with the expenses You may also qualify for a Funeral Expenses Payment. If you are claiming benefits, you are entitled to this Funeral Expenses Payment. Here the government gives money towards the funeral costs, though you should apply within six months of the funeral.  To qualify, you need to be a close family member such as a sibling, parent or dependent. Bereavement support payments can also be claimed if your husband, wife or civil partner has died and either you or the deceased has made NI contributions for at least 25 weeks and if they died because of an accident or disease caused by work. They will need to be under State Pension age and living in the UK. What Do You Wear To A Funeral? It may be that the family gives some direction about the dress code.  Some people feel it is appropriate to wear bright colours to celebrate the life of the person.  If the person is young, then something more colourful may feel necessary. However, if there is no mention of dress-code from the family, then you need to assume that it is going to be formal and you should wear dark colours.  You are unlikely to be expected to wear dress clothes for most funerals, just smart clothes in darker tones. For women, it is appropriate to wear dark dresses or suits.  You should, however, keep your shoulders covered.  Avoid bright sundresses and do not reveal too much. The ideal options are a skirt or pantsuit or a dress.  However, it is also fine to wear a skirt and blouse or sweater. For men, you will likely wear a dark suit or a buttoned-up shirt.  Your shirt should be tucked in, and you should wear dress shoes. Both genders need to avoid athletic shoes and flipflops, and it is not appropriate to wear jeans. How Do You Find Out When A Funeral Is? It is usual for the family to place a funeral notice in the local newspaper. This informs others of the death, as well as giving details of arrangements.  It does not have to be a local newspaper; you can publish this notice online and can be this is considered just as respectful.  Therefore, if you are trying to find out when a funeral is, you may want to try the internet first. What Do You Say Someone Who Is Attending A Funeral? Fearing that you are going to be struck dumb or say the wrong thing could make you dread the day of the funeral.  However, if you are looking for some prompts, then some possible phrases could be: I am so sorry. Your mother/ father/ uncle… was loved by many He was a wonderful person and talented at….. Please know that you are all in my prayers I have such good memories of…. she will be missed. When you feel ready, please call me if you need to Do not be afraid to talk about the deceased.  The point of such a day is to share memories and feelings of loss. Summary It is never easy to attend a funeral.  However, it is essential to the healing that will begin soon.  It is a formal ritual that helps us make the passing of a loved one real.  We can say goodbye to them and show our respect and love.  It does not have to be something elaborate to be special.  The point is to respect the life of the person lost and to offer some celebration for life lived. If you would like to memorialise a loved one, then get in touch to learn more about how we can turn ashes to jewellery.